Love Language 101

This post will focus mostly on a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I was reminded of this book when I was talking to a good friend about communication in a relationship. My family read this book together when I was just a teenager. At first I thought this was silly, and why do we have to read this book, but after reading the book it had many good points that I wanted to share. I do not consider this a "book report" in anyway, just good information that you can choose to read or not. =o) I'll try to just mention the highlights. Some of you that have read this book will probably roll your eyes at me, or have a different opinion, and that's ok. Bottom =oD Here we go: Keep in mind that this book focuses on marital relationships, but can apply to all types of relationships. The main idea is that you each bring something different to the relationship; such as, personality, history, expectations, and opinions. Obviously, you are not expected to agree on everything, but you can find a healthy way to discuss those differences. But my favorite aspect is how you can express your love more effectively to your partner. We all communicate our "love" differently to each other. Sometimes it's effective and other times you're lucky if the other person even notices. The love language of one person may not be the same for another. The Five Languages mentioned in this book are the following: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. At first, you may think that you (or your significant other) are one language just from reading the options, but you might be surprised at what their true language is. What have you most requested from your partner? Whatever you have most requested is probably keeping within your own primary language. What makes you feel the most loved? What can your partner do for you that would just scream i love you? Let me share my own personal example before I summarize the different languages. I love my husband, and I try to do various things to show him that, but honestly, I doubt he notices half of what I do. One day I finally just asked him what I could do to show him that I love him. His answer? make him a lunch for work. Simple request right? well, not so easy for me. I grew up making my own lunches. He always rubs it in that at work his buddies wives make them lunches. So just a couple weeks ago I surprised him with a lunch. I couldn't believe the difference in his attitude towards me and how much more affectionate/attentive he became. I felt appreciated. Now? I want to make lunches...not every day =o) but enough. I know that my main language is service. When Jared helps clean the kitchen without me having to ask, it makes my day. #1 Words of Affirmation: "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Mark Twain. Everyone needs the occasional compliment or word of appreciation, but to someone that has this love language, it is a very powerful communicator. They rely on these words and are either built up or torn down by them. Verbal encouragement is another factor. Someone in this language may need that extra push of affirmation that someone believes in them or that they have worth and meaning to that person. Since this is a verbal language, you also need to be careful with the tone of how that message is carried. Sometimes your words are saying one thing, but the tone is saying another. I really like how the author says that love makes requests, not demands. The request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility. Who likes demands made on them? #2 Quality Time: This has to deal with giving that person your complete and undivided attention, not just being in the same proximity. Someone in this language is craving that eye contact, that one-on-one activity, a real conversation, and just spending time together without outside distraction. He mentions how most of us are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. That we forget that a marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. Sometimes quality time has to do with being a good listener and not offering advice unless it's asked for, which can be hard for a lot of people. That first instinct to interrupt and "fix the problem" rather than just listening and understanding their feelings. They just want some of your time and attention focused solely on them, whether through an activity, conversation, or just listening. #3 Receiving Gifts: A visual affirmation of love. Something they can hold in their hand, like a visual symbol of love. A great example is a wedding ring. They are a symbol of love to that person. I think that spontaneity in gift giving is very important to those in this language. When it's least expected, it might be the most treasured. For example, giving a simple flower just because, and not due to a special occasion. Another aspect is giving the gift of self. Being there for that person when they need you the most. These gifts don't need to be expensive or frequent, but they need those small tokens every now and then to show that you value them. #4 Acts of Service: His definition of this language is doing things you know that person would like you to do. You are expressing your love by doing things you know would please them. This could be as simple as making dinner one night, vacuuming, cleaning the dishes, or the shower! This does require some thought, planning, time, effort and energy, but the rewards are great. Sometimes this one requires us to reexamine our stereotypes of husband and wife. A lot of us are following the example of our parents and have the same expectations. When something doesn't come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love. #5 Physical Touch: "Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love." Touch can be a few things, like holding hands, running a hand through their hair, kissing, a big bear hug, and of course being intimate. Keep in mind that something that may bring you pleasure, my not bring them the same pleasure. Make a study of it and find out what they enjoy, whether it's a back rub, or something as simple as a hug and kiss before they go to work. I love the fact--and it should be mentioned--that most women (not all) are more willing to be intimate if they feel loved, admired, and appreciated. If they are not emotionally ready, the desire is just not there. Everyone can benefit from each language, but usually their is 1 language (sometimes 2) that speaks louder than others. In the end Love is a Choice. A choice we make everyday to meet that persons emotional needs. This is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. And if you reach out to meet their emotional needs, they may return the favor. It's almost like falling in love over and over again. Love is kind, not selfish. I believe it's when we are unwilling to make that effort that the relationship starts to fall apart. Ok I'm done. Like I said, the book has a lot of good points that i think about all the time. For those that actually read the whole post..wow, you must be bored. lol. If not, no worries won't hurt my feelings. 'til we meet again.